I thought to start this post I would look up the definition of 'normal' in the dictionary (not a real dictionary, the kind we kids use: the Internet). I immediately noticed upon typing 'definition of normal' into my Google search, that more than one definition appeared. How abnormal. I'll go with the definition "the usual, average, or typical state." I've noticed that people use the word normal to mean the "right" way of being. I've heard many a person say "But they seemed so normal" when talking about a wide range of attributes. Perhaps they just found out that the most popular girl in school committed suicide, or the star football player is gay, but in some way these new discoveries shift people from being 'normal' to being 'different' or 'abnormal' or 'wrong.'
We've all heard some person say "but if we're all unique, aren't we all actually not unique?" It's true. No one. I repeat. No one. Is 'normal.' Or you could interpret that by saying, everyone is normal. In fact, I think I like that better. Normal should be described based on each individual. For me normal is washing my hands in every sink after each bathroom encounter. For some, normal may be retracing their steps to make sure no catastrophic events happened because of them. For others, normal is lining their clothes up by alphabetic order based on the brand. It doesn't matter what it is for you, because it is normal.
In therapy I have been spending a lot of time discussing how to approach decreasing my obsessions and compulsions. We haven't spent much time trying to do this. Most of our time has been spent dealing with other issues that appeared more important. However, recently we have concluded that by eliminating the anxiety that surrounds my OCD and my life, the other issues we've been discussing will decrease as well. But I'm scared. I hope that doesn't sound dumb. Because I'm terrified. Who will I be if I'm not exactly who I am now? Why is it bad that I do what I do? I can't be sure I'll be the same person if I work to eliminate my rituals. That terrifies me, for the same reason people are scared to starting psychiatric drugs: they don't want their essence to change. And that, in and of itself, is completely normal. Nobody wants to jeopardize their identity.
This was one of my fears, that if I kept emptying all this stuff out of my life, what would be left of me? Like you said, nobody wants to jeopardize their identity. I was afraid if I didn't do things perfectly, I would disappear off the face of the earth in my worthlessness, and stopping rituals designed to "attain" perfection seemed like a kind of death. My therapist liked to remind me that I am not broken, that there is an essential part of me that has always been there, and will emerge stronger as I deal with the OCD. The OCD would like to be your identity, as a way to perpetuate itself, and "protect" you from anxiety, but it never keeps its promise.
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