When Life Gets Extra Tough

I have not blogged in a while. I somewhat disappeared off the face of the blogosphere. It wasn't intentional, just one of those things that happens when life gets overwhelming. Life has been quite overwhelming the past few months. My semester ended and another one began. Things got really bad, then they got really good, then they mellowed out into mediocrity. Things have continued to be mediocre. I don't mind. It's easier for things to remain calm and not overly strenuous.

I am not going to use this post to comment on OCD. However, since OCD is a part of my life, it is also a part of everything else that I have to talk about. In this post, though, it is not the focus. The focus is people.

I do not understand people. I feel like everywhere I go, I meet phonies (not to quote Holden Caulfield or anything). Nobody seems genuine. People aren't honest and open, and many are shallow and callous. I am unsure as to whether there is such a thing as maturity, and if there is, I have yet to encounter it in any great quantity. I am disappointed in my generation, which I see as the weakest link thus far. I don't mean to sound like a bitch or anything, I just feel that people are generally, for lack of a better word, phony.

So You Call Yourself An Environmentalist

Yes I do in fact. I consider myself an environmentalist. The fact that I wash my hands a lot does not discount that I love the environment and work to protect it. Washing compulsively does not negate the fact that I recycle, or compost, or buy products that are less processed. I am part of my university's environmental club, where people talk constantly about wasting water (taking shorter showers, buying new toilets that use less water, etc), and I constantly feel like a hypocrite because I cannot prevent myself from over-washing. People think it's mind over matter. But it really can't be boiled down that far, especially because my mind is the problem. People say to me "if you just put your mind to it, you won't have to perform your rituals." If only, if only.

I struggle a lot with trying to explain myself to people. Or to ignore the sometimes odd looks I receive. How do you explain something that seems irrational to even me?

When Good Enough Isn't Enough

Some people don't get that good enough isn't enough. If it's not one hundred percent, it's zero percent. I don't even get it. But my OCD insists that is how it should be. That it's how is must be. Common sense be damned. If it takes twenty-four tries to wash my hands right, then it takes twenty-four times to wash my hands right.

And it's frustrating. I'm not sure which part is more frustrating. The fact that my mind feels the need for me to repeat these rituals, or the fact that it takes me twenty-four tries to do a task as simple as washing my hands. It's not rocket science. There are even signs in many bathrooms that explain how you should do it (wet your hands, lather on some soap, scrub for approximately twenty seconds, then rinse, and dry). It sounds pretty simple. I'm a moderately educated, relatively sophisticated, young woman, and yet a task like such can reduce me to tears, to a panic that grips my body and makes me act irrationally.

Sometimes I wonder how I will survive college. Sometimes it feels impossible, and other times I feel like I'm on top of the world - nothing can touch me, college is awesome, I'm the bee's knees (or whatever). The times that feel impossible are when I want to crawl into my bed and shut out all noise and visual stimulation. It's a healthy hour to hour fluctuation. I can usually only hope that my perfectionistic compulsions help propel me forward academically, and if not - I'm sure I'll find my passion in something.

Defining "Normal"

I thought to start this post I would look up the definition of 'normal' in the dictionary (not a real dictionary, the kind we kids use: the Internet). I immediately noticed upon typing 'definition of normal' into my Google search, that more than one definition appeared. How abnormal. I'll go with the definition "the usual, average, or typical state." I've noticed that people use the word normal to mean the "right" way of being. I've heard many a person say "But they seemed so normal" when talking about a wide range of attributes. Perhaps they just found out that the most popular girl in school committed suicide, or the star football player is gay, but in some way these new discoveries shift people from being 'normal' to being 'different' or 'abnormal' or 'wrong.'

We've all heard some person say "but if we're all unique, aren't we all actually not unique?" It's true. No one. I repeat. No one. Is 'normal.' Or you could interpret that by saying, everyone is normal. In fact, I think I like that better. Normal should be described based on each individual. For me normal is washing my hands in every sink after each bathroom encounter. For some, normal may be retracing their steps to make sure no catastrophic events happened because of them. For others, normal is lining their clothes up by alphabetic order based on the brand. It doesn't matter what it is for you, because it is normal.

In therapy I have been spending a lot of time discussing how to approach decreasing my obsessions and compulsions. We haven't spent much time trying to do this. Most of our time has been spent dealing with other issues that appeared more important. However, recently we have concluded that by eliminating the anxiety that surrounds my OCD and my life, the other issues we've been discussing will decrease as well. But I'm scared. I hope that doesn't sound dumb. Because I'm terrified. Who will I be if I'm not exactly who I am now? Why is it bad that I do what I do? I can't be sure I'll be the same person if I work to eliminate my rituals. That terrifies me, for the same reason people are scared to starting psychiatric drugs: they don't want their essence to change. And that, in and of itself, is completely normal. Nobody wants to jeopardize their identity.

Politics and Mental Health

Since the presidential debate is currently on I figured I ought to voice some thoughts. The mental health system is not great. My personal feelings about the system may not be completely accurate, but as an insider I have some experience and knowledge about how the system works.

Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act was passed in 2008, with the help of Obama, who was an Illinois Senator at the time. In 2010 the Act came into effect, but received very little recognition. Indeed, it's not an Act that I had ever heard of. This Act helped bring equality between care for mental health issues and other health issues (such as surgery and other medical benefits).

Affordable Care. The Affordable Care Act (approved on March 23, 2010) overall helps those of us with deemed "mental illness." So they say this Act is good news for us. I sure hope so. I am currently dependent on my parents to pay for my medical bills. It's from their pockets that I have received the care I need. DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) has literally saved my life. Many times. And it's expensive. CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) is covered under my insurance plan. DBT is not. Because mental health issues are rarely curable, despite being quite treatable, are often more expensive than other medical issues. Getting a one time surgery is less expensive than receiving decades of therapy and various other forms of treatment.

I feel that I've digressed.... I definitely think positive changes are being made in our healthcare system. I haven't specifically seen any changes in mental healthcare, however, I have little to base this off of. I don't pay for my care. I feel grateful that my family cares about my health and has allowed me to get the care that I need, and thus saved my life.

May the best man win the election on November 6th, 2012. I'm glad that I am now over 18 and am able to vote this time around.

(Check out the article below if you want more information on the Affordable Care Act)
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/10/health/policy/health-care-law-offers-wider-benefits-for-treating-mental-illness.html?_r=0

Reviewing and Renewing

I just finished J.J. Keeler's book, I Hardly Ever Wash My Hands: The Other Side of OCD. It was quite awesome. My favorite thing about OCD literature is that every story is different. I love that. (As much as someone can love something as horrible as OCD). It's so interesting to hear another story and develop a greater understanding of the illness as a whole. Also, it's so true that people think of OCD as the hand-washing disease. People think of OCD as it is portrayed through the media (Monk - "the defective detective" -- not cool media, not cool). Because of this people rarely realize that OCD comes in many different forms.

The worst thing (in my opinion) that people can do when they notice a ritual, or something along that line, is to make the person feel like they are weird. This can be portrayed by saying things like "wow, that's super weird." Another thing that bothers me is when you're reading some OCD literature, or having a discussion with someone, and another person who is not privy to your private struggles comes over and says "oh hey, you're reading about OCD?" and the person you're with is like "yeah, Elle has really bad OCD." Thanks, faux-friend.

Sorry for that slight tirade. Long day. To end this post, I just want to say thanks J.J. Keeler for a great book!

Lost in Transition

Starting college is difficult for everyone. This is one of those common facts that your parents tell you when you call home at three in the morning begging for them to drive out and bring your favorite stuffed animal that of course you forgot. (It was most likely forgotten because you didn't realize it was going to be something you would want until you got to school and realized of course you could never live without Fluffy, the bunny rabbit). When talking to your new friends, you realize that they are having some of the same issues you have been dealing with: the new environment, making new friends, the cafeteria food that doesn't taste quite like mom's delicious cooking.... It feels good to know that everyone is going through the same thing you are, at least on some level.

Perhaps making new friends and handling the huge amount of work is something that comes easily for you. What doesn't come easily is being moved away from the place that you have control over. The house and town and school where your rituals feel at home. Perhaps the hardest thing about leaving home and entering a new environment is that every aspect that you used to control have been yanked out from under you and you're left feeling slightly like you're drowning.

To combat this you hyper-ritualize everything. You recreate all the things that made you feel comfortable and safe at home. You do these things privately to keep from judgement from your new peers, and you build yourself a nest of safety. These things help on some level, but as we all know OCD is a constantly evolving disorder that sometimes decides to rear it's ugly head at the worst possible moments.

For now, though, I am working on adapting and developing! My classes are good, I'm making new friends, and I'm learning how to live with my OCD.